I am back. Having trouble doing anything. Went to the pool last week and it felt good to be back in the water. Was very very sore the next 3 days or so. Now I don’t want to do anything but sit with Maxie on my lap play on my phone and watch TV. I have not gotten dressed in a week and haven’t even picked up my mail. Part of me feels I am just being stubborn and the other part feels like I am slugging through heavy sticky mud.
I feel like there is an ice dam inside me that can’t get to the feelings that are really there. Like maybe I have a huge pile of guilt I am trying not to let overwhelm me???? These last couple of years have been horrible except for the time with Mason who totally brightens my day. I am very disappointed in Mark and John and worried about Aaron and John too.
Watching a commercial of the snowman who melts into a kid eating soup, makes me think of snowy weather I wanted to live in because it would give me something different to think about. Marielle, my only daughter, said I was running away when I said I wanted to move to Washington. She was right. Actually I wanted to have other things like different scenery and weather to deal with rather than Mark and John.
One side of my brain says you would still have Mark and John because of all this easy access stuff and the other side says they are far enough away that I wouldn’t feel pressured to deal with them. Closeness breeds pressure. So why put this in a blog???? These are my thoughts why put them out to the world??? Good question.
So maybe I am just one of those retired people who don’t know what to do with themselves?? But we do have the sleeping issue to deal with. And the canceling issue also. And the letting go of routine like it is pressure.
Going to try something to get myself started on some semblance of a routine. First I need to get back on days which is beginning today seeing as this is 4:10 AM Sat.
Second is going back to the daily stretching exercises within first hour of being up before breakfast.
Third is to go outside for at least 15 minutes a day for fresh air and sunshine………can squirt trees at this time.
This is just a beginning until end of March.
Took me a day to get back to write. Tons of stuff running around inside me. What to let out is the question for me. Yesterday I felt sad inside and to the point of tears. Not entirely sure why but did not want to hear about problems with Mark and Melanie because I didn’t want to think of Mason having more problems or sadness in his life. Told Mark to wait to tell me today which he didn’t because I cancelled everything today. Yes, I have cancelled 2 doctor appointments and 2 counseling appointments this week which tells me I don’t want to face the world. I feel safe, warm and comfortable in my apartment especially in bed, or with Maxie on my lap.
Here is a little introduction to who I am. A grandmother of 4 beautiful and smart grandkids and a mother of 5, one of whom was not born to me but whom I raised from 81/2 to adulthood, and I love as much as my own biological children. I am a retired teacher and left wing political junkie and a “short round Irish woman” as my daughter calls me. I raised my kids to be independent thinkers and boy are they ever!! I always wanted my kids to be the most of whoever and whatever they wanted to be. I did not have preconceived ideas of their future.
Don’t want to spend too much time on naming each post so will number them for now. I really enjoy having company over even though Beatrice trounced me in Scrabble. But it is difficult for me to get going on getting dressed and moving on with the day. I am sorry February is over and I haven’t really celebrated my 70th birthday yet. We will see what March brings.
I know that first post is not very unique but I just wanted to get started. This is something new for me and I am excited about blogging. The question is will anyone read it??
Learned something new last night…….I love Lady Gaga’s voice. And I liked Common’s rap part of Glory as well as the song itself. I enjoyed the Oscar’s this year but haven’t always enjoyed them. No duck dress this year!!